pornography and depression Chapter One "My Struggle with Depression"

My Struggle with depression in 2020

Breaking the Back of Depression
Jackie Osinski

With the exception of Jackie Osinski's Family, certain other names have been changed.

2010 Jackie Osinski

All Rights Reserved.

I remember it clearly. I was standing in the corner of the old yellow kitchen. Being only seven years ole, my head barely reached above the counter. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. My mother walked into the room. Seeing me standing there with the knife to my chest, she asked, "What are you doing?" 

"I am going to kill myself," I replied. Inside, I desperately longed for her to hold me, to comfort me, to take the knife from my hand and kiss me. "well then, go ahead and do it," she answered sardonically. 

Pornography and Depression

That day another wound was added to my already much-wounded heart. my wounded heart opened the door to depression. depression entered my life at a very early age. it became a demonic root in my life. for the next twenty years, I would live with depression and suicide. 

My wounds began early. my father was a man who was physically and mentally abused. his father had a spirit of anger. as a chile, my father would be locked in a dark closet for hours on end. he was beaten mercilessly. I often remember my father relating stories of the horrible fights his brothers would get into that would leave them wounded and bloody. a spirit of anger ruled over his house. I feel certain that his father was also abused. 

The sin most likely started several generations before my father was even born. the word is very clear to point out that the sins of the fathers shall be passed down to the third and fourth generations. I`d venture to say that in many families the sins of the fathers have continued past the fourth generation due to unrepentant hearts. 

My father always yelled. I know that he truly loved us, yet his bondages kept him from expressing his true feelings. yelling was how my father spoke. yelling, harshness, cynicism, sarcasm, nagging, ridiculing and treatment such as this always opens the door for a wounded spirit. 

My father had lost part of his hearing as a small child, therefore, even normal conversations were typically quite loud. no one enjoys a loud, overpowering voice. it can be intimidating. but for a small child, it can have devastating effects. 

When a child is frightened by an adult, many demonic roots can take hold. spirits of fear, intimidation, insecurity, rejection, depression, and suicide have an open door to come in. we must understand the demonic realm. when a demon has been given an entrance into a person's life, immediately they enter. understand, a demon is a bodiless spirit, it does not find rest until it has a body to the house itself. 

I remember from a very young age hearing my father's car pull into the driveway. all four of us children knew immediately what to expect. my father's loud, intimidating voice would cause us all too tense up and wait silently for the barrage of words that would spill from my father's mouth. if my mother had any bad reports about any of us children, then we all knew what to expect next. the belt would come out. my father would lay us over his lap and whip us with the thin, leather belt. he would continue whipping us until we began to cry.

We are all created with a need for daddy and mommy love. when either of these is missing or in lack, then we will always try and fill that void with whatever we can to receive the love we need. I had a daddy void. my father did not know how to be tender and kind to his daughters. he tried his best, yet because he had a "daddy deficit", he could not five out what he did not have within him. The way that he showed he loved us was by working and providing for his family, which is honorable, and for this I am grateful. there were many times he took us camping, out for ice cream or to McDonald's, yet the physical and verbal love that we so needed was never there. 

Consequently, I was boy crazy. I remember being passionate about Richy. we were both in kindergarten and my only thoughts were for him. At the young age of five, I felt desperately in need of this boy's affection. My daily thoughts were if I could only hold hands with him when we stand in line. this was to be the beginning of many years of seeking that perfect love, which I thought would fulfill all the emptiness I felt within. 

each year after that I became more and more obsessed with the need to find the perfect boy. I lived in a fantasy world where I should finally meet the love of my life and all my dreams would come true. my days in elementary school were filled with plans on how to find another boyfriend. 

Little by little I began to learn what boys liked and how I could gain their attention. 

By middle school, I had begun to master the art of being flirtatious. I had few goals in school except to be wanted by all the boys. with each new boyfriend, I was elated. with each break-up, I was severely depressed. having no one that I could talk to about my loneliness, I struggled with my depression alone. at home, the frustrations continued. as other pre-teens were starting to venture out and have more opportunities to do things, I was severely restricted due to my parent's old fashioned beliefs. this caused a tremendous amount of anger in my life. I felt horrible rages of torment when I had no say in where I could go or what decisions I could make. Over protectiveness can almost be as damaging as a parent being too lenient. an overprotective parent is essentially saying, " I don't trust you enough to let you grow up and make your own decisions. I choose to keep you confined to our family's standards so that you won't have any bad things happen to you. this can, in effect, suck the life out of a young person.

we are all created to grow and learn to trust our own instincts. when we are constantly questioned as to our ability to use our own judgment, then we are told that we are not ready to face the world and must continue to rely on our parents for guidance. this causes the freedom that we were born with to be satisfied and a part of our very being begins to shut down. This is what happened to me. I tried so hard to be a good daughter, yet I was continually beat down by my parents. the yelling name-calling, intimidation and physical abuse finally broke my spirit. No matter how hard I tried, I could never please my parents, so I began to give up.

My vocabulary was horribly vulgar. Almost every other word was a swear word. this temporarily quelled my terrible insecurities. if I could have a loud, filthy mouth, I would be noticed. the attention I so desperately craved was temporarily given when a torrent of swear words would come flying from me. I remember feeling quite proud of my vulgarity. my mouth was the one thing that caused others to notice me.

Trying to fit into a world where everyone seemed so confident caused me to always feel insecure. the clothes which the children in our family wore were handed me downs from various neighbors. the underwear was stained and yellow. the bras never fit right. nothing ever seemed to feel right. this caused tremendous embarrassment for me. already feeling very insecure at a young age, the shame of ill-fitting clothes only made the very insecure at a young age, the shame of ill-fitting clothes only made the feelings of inadequacy worse. when I was in fifth grade a boy made fun of my Hight waters. I was stung with the reality of being different. that night I worked fervently to pull the little hem down on my plaid pants. I sewed yarn onto the top of the pants to make them look like belt loops. I proudly wore the pants the next day with their new makeover. Momentarily, I Fit In.

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